The Parable of the Football and the Soccer Ball

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, is there a major club trophy that David Beckham hasn’t won?”

Josh spoke thus:

Two men were upset about a ball.

“It’s a soccer ball,” one man said.

“It’s a football,” the second man said.

“A football is what you play football with,” the first man said.

“You do play football with it,” the second man said, “You play football with a football.”

“Football is played with a football, not a soccer ball,” the first man said.

“American football is played with an American football,” the second man said, “Football is played with a football.”

“American football is football,” the first man said.

“American football is American football,” the second man said, “Australian Rules football is Australian Rules football, and rugby football is rugby football.”

“Soccer is played with a soccer ball,” the first man said, “Rugby is played with a rugby ball.  Football is played with football.  I don’t even know what Australian Rules football is.”

“It’s like rugby but it’s played on a cricket pitch, and you kick more,” the second man said, “In American football you almost never kick.  There’s no foot in American football.  It should just be called American Ball.”

“Then we could call soccer English Ball,” the first man said, “Except that we don’t have to, because we already have something to call it: soccer.”

“Football,” the second man said.

“Soccer,” the first man said, “What sort of word is ‘soccer’ anyway?”

“It’s from ‘ASSOC,’ which comes from ‘Association,’” the second man said, “When football leagues were formalized by the Football Association, the type of football that was played was called ‘Association Football,’ and on the league tables in the newspapers, it was shortened to ‘ASSOC.’”

“You’re kidding me,” the first man said.

“It’s true,” the second man said.

“No,” the first man said, “I mean, you’re kidding me you know that.  You’re kidding me you’d tell that to other people.  You’re kidding me that you’d let anyone know you thought anything so dull was even remotely interesting.”

“You wanted to know where soccer came from,” the second man said.

“I thought it was football,” the first man said.

“It is football, and it is soccer,” the second man said.

“And that is a football, and that is a soccer ball,” the first man said, pointing to the ball.

“It doesn’t matter what you call it,” the second man said.

“The only thing that matters is that it just shattered your living room window,” the first man said.

“It’s a parlor,” the second man said.