The Parable of the Politician’s Outrage

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, as the year winds down, can we hope sheer exhaustion might give us some political quiet for a while?”

Josh spoke thus:

A politician was feeling insincere.

“I can’t do it,” the politician said, “I just can’t face them.”

“Of course you can face ‘them,’” the politician’s aide said, “Facing ‘them’ is what you do.  Whether it’s pleasant or it’s unpleasant, you face ‘them.’”

“But I’m known for my sincerity,” the politician said, “Good news or bad news, I always played straight with the facts and played it straight with my feelings.

“You NEVER played it straight with the facts,” the politician’s aide said, “As for your feelings, I can only go by how I know you, and the you I know was definitely not always playing it straight with your feelings.  It would be political suicide to always play straight, and you know that.”

“You don’t think I played straight with my emotions?” the politician asked.

“God I hope not,” the politician’s aide said, “If you did, then you’re the most emotionally screwed up person on this planet.”

“Well now my feelings are hurt,” the politician said.

“Your feelings aren’t hurt,” the politician’s aide said, “You’re just reacting the way I taught you react: with outrage.  And that’s what I need from you now: outrage.”

“But I don’t feel outrage about this,” the politician said, “I don’t feel anything about this.  Tell me, just what outrage am I supposed to be feeling now?”

“Ordinary garden variety outrage is fine,” the politician’s aide said, “Don’t overthink it.”

“So I walk in there, and I say what?” the politician asked.

“You walk in there, and you say, ‘Your mother told me what you did today,’” the politician’s aide said, “And you say, ‘You know you aren’t supposed to play with the bat and ball in the house.’ And you say, ‘And you know what the punishment is.’  It’s that simple.”

“I know that part,” the politician said, “It’s the next part I have a problem with.”

“What next part?” the politician’s aide asked.

“The Santa part,” the politician said, “The no presents and the elves and the coal and all that.”

“You don’t have to mean it,” the politician’s aide said, “Heck, you know you don’t believe it.  Just give your children a stern look and say you’ll discuss it with their mother.”

“But the implied threat is still there,” the politician said.

“And the implied threat is good,” the politician’s aide said.

“But what if Santa doesn’t come?” the politician asked.

“You really are the most emotionally screwed up person on the planet,” the politician’s aide said.

The Parable of the Sous Chef and the Mushrooms

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, how many people shop on Black Friday just because everyone else shops on Black Friday?”

Josh spoke thus:

A sous chef was walking through the market, trying to find fresh mushrooms.

“Mushrooms!” a keeper of a stall called out, “Mushrooms!”

The sous chef approached the stall.

“I need mushrooms,” the sous chef said to the keeper of the stall.

“Mushrooms?” someone called out.  A horde of shoppers approached the stall.

“Please,” the sous chef said, “I was here first and I need mushrooms.”

“Mushrooms!” a member of the gathered horde shouted out.  Attracted by the call, a large group of passers by approached the stall, circling around the horde that had first approached.

“Do you have button mushrooms?” the sous chef asked the stall keeper.

“Button mushrooms!” the horde cried.  The horde moved in.  Whether they were moving in to see the button mushrooms or whether they were forced inward by pressure from the increasing crowd was unclear.

“What kind of mushrooms do you want?” the stall keeper asked the sous chef.

“Button mushrooms,” the sous chef said.

“I don’t have button mushrooms,” the stall keeper said.

“No button mushrooms!” someone in the back of the crowd shouted, “They don’t have button mushrooms!”

“Button mushrooms!” the horde chanted, “Button mushrooms!”

The crowd became aggressive.

“What kind of mushrooms do you have?” the sous chef asked the stall keeper.

“I have psychedelic mushrooms,” the stall keeper told the sous chef.

“And you just shouted that out in the public market?” the sous chef asked.

“Do you have truffles?” someone from the horde asked.

“Of course I don’t have truffles!” the stall keeper said, “Who has truffles?”

“You said you had mushrooms,” the person who asked about truffles said, “I thought you might have truffles.”

“He doesn’t even have button mushrooms,” the sous chef said, “Who doesn’t have button mushrooms?”

“I don’t have button mushrooms!” the stall keeper said, “Stop bothering me about button mushrooms.”

“I have button mushrooms,” a stall keeper from another stall shouted.

The crowd surged toward the stall that had button mushrooms.

“Now you’ll never get button mushrooms,” the stall keeper who didn’t have button mushrooms or truffles said, “Not with that crowd.  And I bet ninety percent of them don’t even want button mushrooms.  But they’ll all go home with button mushrooms, those that get them.”

“I don’t want button mushrooms,” the sous chef said.

“Then why did you ask for button mushrooms?” the stall keeper asked.

“What am I going to do, ask for psychedelic mushrooms with all those people around?” the sous chef said, “With that crowd, I’d never get any.”

The stall keeper smiled.

“Want to ask me for some lemon grass?” the stall keeper asked, measuring out a small amount of psychedelic mushrooms for the sous chef, “It’s high-quality Yucatan lemon grass.”

The Parable of the Two Children, the Kitten and the Puppy

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, what is the new American dream?”

Josh spoke thus:

Two children were playing with a kitten and a puppy.

“Someday,” one of the children told the kitten, “You’re going to be a great lion.”  The kitten squirmed in the child’s arms.

“That’s a kitten,” the second child said, “It’s going to be a cat.”

“You don’t know it’s not going to be a lion,” the first child said.

“Lions come from cubs, not from kittens,” the second child said.

“It still might be a lion,” the first child said.  The first child set aside the kitten and picked up the puppy.

“Someday,” the first child said to the puppy, “You’re going to be a great wolf.”  The puppy squirmed in the child’s arms.

“That’s a puppy,” the second child said, “It’s going to be a dog.”

“You don’t know it’s not going to be a wolf,” the first child said.

“Wolves come from cubs, not from puppies,” the second child said.

“It still might be a wolf,” the first child said.  The first child set the puppy aside

“Some day I’m going to be a great President,” the first child said.

“You’re not going to be President,” the second child said.

“You don’t know I’m not going to be President,” the first child said.

“Presidents don’t come from people like us,” the second child said, “Presidents come from rich people.”

“I thought you were going to say I had to be a cub,” the first child said, “And I am a cub.”

“You’re not a cub,” the second child said, “You’re a cub scout.”

“So I’m going to grow up to be a great scout?” the first child asked.
“They don’t have grown-up scouts,” the second child said.

“So what do cub scouts grow up to be?” the first child asked.

“Cub scouts grow up to be anything,” the second child said.

“But not a lion and not a wolf and not a president?” the first child asked.

The first child picked up the kitten and the puppy and started to walk away.

“Where are you going?” the second child asked.

“Somewhere we can be not a lion, not a wolf and not President together,” the first child said.

“Can I be not a lion, not a wolf and not President with you?” the second child asked.

“It’s a free country,” the first child said, “You can not be anything you want not to be.

The two children, the kitten and the puppy went off to be not two presidents, not a lion and not a wolf, together.

The Parable of the Monarch’s Holiday

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, with more stores being open and more people working on Thanksgiving, is it a matter of time before there is no Thanksgiving?”

Josh spoke thus:

A monarch declared the day of the monarch’s coronation a holiday and decreed that nobody should work on the holiday.

“It’s not a proper holiday if people are working,” the monarch told the royal court,  “Now, let’s celebrate.”

The monarch walked into the banquet hall.  Nobody joined the monarch in the banquet hall.

“Where is everyone?” the monarch asked.  Nobody answered.

The monarch went back out into the hallway, but the hallway was empty.  

The monarch went down the hallway to the royal chambers.  The royal chambers were deserted.

The monarch went down the stairs to the kitchens.  There was nobody in the kitchens but a scullery maid.

“You, scullery maid,” the monarch said to the scullery maid, “Where is everyone?”

“Everyone went away,” the scullery maid said, “Today’s a holiday.”

“I know today’s a holiday,” the monarch said, “I made today a holiday.  Where has everyone gone?”

“They’ve gone away to celebrate,” the scullery maid said, “They couldn’t celebrate here.”

“That’s ridiculous,” the monarch said, “Of course they can celebrate here.  It’s a holiday here.  Everyone’s supposed to be celebrating here.  Why is no one celebrating here?”

“First they wanted to cook a great banquet,” the scullery maid said, “But that would have been work.”

“A admit a banquet is a lot of work,” the monarch said, “But the results are worth the effort.”

“But work is against the law,” the scullery maid said.

“That’s ridiculous,” the monarch said, “What kind of fool makes work against the law?  Nothing would get done if work was against the law.”

“They said that was part of the holiday,” the scullery maid said, “It was decreed that work on the holiday was illegal.”

“But I didn’t mean not preparing meals,” the monarch said.

“You didn’t say you didn’t mean not preparing meals,” the scullery maid said, “So when they couldn’t prepare a meal and they wanted to celebrate the holiday, they all went across the border to the neighboring kingdom.”

“Why didn’t you go?” the monarch asked.

“I’m a scullery maid,” the scullery maid said, “If I’d have gone with them, they’d have made me work to prepare the celebrations.”

“So you’re just sitting here?” the monarch asked.

“What else is a scullery maid going to do?” the scullery maid asked.

“What else indeed?” the monarch said.  The monarch and the scullery maid sat together.

“Well, I’m hungry,” the monarch said, “I’m going to make myself a sandwich.  Would you like a sandwich?”

The scullery maid said that she would like a sandwich.  The monarch made them each a sandwich.  They sat together, the monarch and the scullery maid, and they ate.

“Not a bad holiday, this,” the scullery maid said.

The Parable of the Purveyor of Holy Relics

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, how do people keep track of who’s on whose side in world affairs?”

Josh spoke thus:

Two children were looking at a third child across a playground.

“Don’t play with that child,” the first child said to the second.

“Why can’t I play with that child?” the second child asked.

“Because you’re my friend,” the first child said.

“I can be your friend and play with that child,” the second child said.

“If you play with that child, then that child will be your friend,” the first child said.

“Why can’t I be that child’s friend and your friend too?” the second child asked.

“Because you’re my friend,” the first child said.

The third child approached the two children.

“I can’t play with you,” the first child said to the third child.

“Why not?” the third child asked.

“Because I’m playing with my friend,” the first child said.

“Why can’t we all play?” the third child asked.

“Because we’re two friends,” the first child said, “We’re not three friends.”

“I want to play,” the second child said.

“If you two play, then you’re friends,” the first child said.

“We can all be friends,” the second child said.

“But we two are friends,” the first child said.

“I want to be friends,” the third child said, “Let’s all three be friends.”

“I don’t want to all three be friends,” the first child said.

The second child and the third child crossed the playground together, leaving the first child behind.

“You’re not friends!” the first child said to the third child, “I’m friends.”

The second child and the third child invited the first child to join them.

“Only if you’re not friends,” the first child said to the third child, “I’ll come if I can be friends and you’re not.”

The second child was called home, leaving the third child and the first child.

“Do you want to be friends?” the first child asked the third child.

The Parable of the Child Friends

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, how do people keep track of who’s on whose side in world affairs?”

Josh spoke thus:

Two children were looking at a third child across a playground.

“Don’t play with that child,” the first child said to the second.

“Why can’t I play with that child?” the second child asked.

“Because you’re my friend,” the first child said.

“I can be your friend and play with that child,” the second child said.

“If you play with that child, then that child will be your friend,” the first child said.

“Why can’t I be that child’s friend and your friend too?” the second child asked.

“Because you’re my friend,” the first child said.

The third child approached the two children.

“I can’t play with you,” the first child said to the third child.

“Why not?” the third child asked.

“Because I’m playing with my friend,” the first child said.

“Why can’t we all play?” the third child asked.

“Because we’re two friends,” the first child said, “We’re not three friends.”

“I want to play,” the second child said.

“If you two play, then you’re friends,” the first child said.

“We can all be friends,” the second child said.

“But we two are friends,” the first child said.

“I want to be friends,” the third child said, “Let’s all three be friends.”

“I don’t want to all three be friends,” the first child said.

The second child and the third child crossed the playground together, leaving the first child behind.

“You’re not friends!” the first child said to the third child, “I’m friends.”

The second child and the third child invited the first child to join them.

“Only if you’re not friends,” the first child said to the third child, “I’ll come if I can be friends and you’re not.”

The second child was called home, leaving the third child and the first child.

“Do you want to be friends?” the first child asked the third child.

The Parable of the Contraband Sweets

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, is it hypocrisy or necessity, or both, that fuels the our nuclear policy?”

Josh spoke thus:

A premier camp monitor had called all of the children staying in the camp to a bonfire meeting.  When all the children had gathered and had been entertained by welcoming songs and skits, the premier camp monitor stood before the group, back to the fire, silhouetted against the flames.

“As you all know,” the premier camp monitor said, “We try to promote a healthy lifestyle at this camp.  One of the reasons your parents sent you to this camp was that your parents wanted you to learn an appreciation for the simple life surrounded by nature.”

The gathered children shuffled but didn’t speak.

“I want you to know that I recognize that you do not share your parents’ desire for you to learn an appreciation for the simple life surrounded by nature,” the premier camp monitor said, “And frankly, I don’t think two weeks in the country will change your lives to the degree your parents seem to believe it will.”

The gathered children shuffled more but didn’t speak.

“But we are committed to at least introducing you to a healthier life surrounded by nature,” the premier camp monitor said, “And in that spirit, as you know, we have banned sweets in the camp.”

The children’s shuffling became nervous.

“And also in that spirit, we are now searching your bags and trunks for sweets you may have smuggled into the camp.

The children’s shuffling transformed into preparations to run to the children’s cabins.

“Don’t run to your cabins,” the premier camp monitor said, “You will be too late.  The counselors by now are already almost through searching your cabins.  But don’t worry, we won’t take anything that isn’t contraband.  Your possessions are safe.  If they’re not sweets.  In fact, go ahead back now, if you like.  I see that the counselors are through searching.”

The children rushed to their cabins to inspect their bags and trunks.  The children found that all of their smuggled sweets were gone.  Nothing else had been taken.  There were expressions of relief, and there were expressions of anger, and there were expressions of loss.  But since the children knew their sweets were contraband, there was at last resignation.  

The children went to the meal hall when instructed and were given a meal that was surprisingly tasty, sweet and satisfying.  There was a general consensus that if this was how the food would be, healthy might not be so bad after all.

That evening, in the premier camp monitor’s cabin, there was a special meal for the camp monitors.  The meal consisted of confiscated sweets.

“Enjoy these sweets,” the premier camp monitor said to the other camp monitors, “These are all there are until the next group comes in two weeks’ time.”   

The camp monitors feasted.  Sated, they returned to their cabins and dreamed of the sweets they would have in two weeks’ time.

The Parable of the Television Fans Online

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, what needs to real and can be unreal in a fictional world?”

Josh spoke thus:

A television program’s fans were sharing thoughts online about the television program’s latest episode.

“Was it just me?” one fan posted, “Or was this week’s episode a bit far-fetched?”

“Every episode is far fetched,” a second fan posted, “That’s the point of the show.  It’s fantasy.”

“I know it’s fantasy,” the first fan posted, “But even fantasy needs to be rooted in reality.”

“Define reality,” a third fan posted.

“By reality, I mean the characters have to be believable,” the first fan posted.

“They’re elves and ancient Romans!” the second fan posted, “Elves are in relationships with ancient Romans.  Where’s the reality?”

“But the motivations of the characters need to be real,” the first fan posted.

“What motivates an elf to kiss an ancient Roman?” the second fan posted.

“The point is valid,” the third fan said, “All drama ultimately derives from conflict between peoples’ desires.”

“They aren’t people,” the second fan posted.

“But their emotions are people’s emotions,” the third fan posted, “It may be set in fantasy, but really it’s people.”

“Exactly,” the first fan posted, “And these people’s motivations didn’t seem genuine this week.”

“An elf’s motivation wasn’t genuine enough?” the second fan posted.

“THE CHARACTER’S MOTIVATION WASN’T GENUINE ENOUGH,” the first fan posted.

“No need to shout,” the third fan posted.

The first fan posted, “My point is, if the characters aren’t genuine, it doesn’t matter what planet they’re on or what race they are.”

“What would you know about genuine emotion?” the second fan posted, “You couldn’t even get a date for the Homecoming Dance.”

“Low blow,” the third fan posted.

“No I didn’t get a date for the Homecoming Dance,” the first fan posted, “And I was GENUINELY unhappy.  And I didn’t go to the Homecoming Dance with someone I didn’t GENUINELY like just so I could go, like someone I know.”

“Low blow back,” the third fan posted.

“And if you had GENUINELY asked me like you GENUINELY led me to believe you were going to,” the first fan posted, “I GENUINELY would have gone with you and we GENUINELY would have had a GENUINELY good time.  Now I GENUINELY wouldn’t go with you if you GENUINELY got down on your GENUINE knees and GENUINELY begged me.”

“When did GENUINE become a four-letter word?” the third fan posted.

The first fan stood up from the library table the three fans had been sharing and moved to a neighboring table.

“I’m GENUINELY sorry,” the second fan posted.

“Don’t swear,” the third fan posted.

“You’re a GENUINE idiot,” the first and second fan said aloud to the third fan.

“Quiet please,” the librarian said, “This is a study hall, not a forum.”

The Parable of the Video Replay

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, what was it about the Kennedy assassination, more than any other, that we have to watch over, and over and over?”

Josh spoke thus:

An athlete was watching video of the athlete’s last performance.

“Here it is,” the athlete said to the athlete’s teammate, “Here’s where it happens.”

In the video, the athlete ran the wrong way.

“Yep,” the athlete’s teammate said, “That’s where it happens.”

The athlete stopped the video and reversed the video.

“Hey, look at that!” the athlete’s teammate said, “You play it backwards and you’re not running the wrong way anymore!”

The athlete ignored the athlete’s teammate and continued watching the video in reverse.

“You know what else doesn’t happen?” the athlete’s teammate said, “You don’t lose anymore!  Yet get farther and farther from losing the more you play that video backwards.”

The athlete stopped the video and played the video forward.

“You don’t want to do that,” the athlete’s teammate said, “You play that again, you’re going to go the wrong way again.  See?  There you go, running the wrong way again.”

The athlete stopped the video and reversed it.

“And there you go back again,” the athlete’s teammate said, “I think I like it better this way.  This way I don’t lose either.”

The athlete stopped the video again and played it forward again.

“You’ve got to stop doing that,” the athlete’s teammate said, “Every time you do that, you run the wrong way again.  And every time you run the wrong way again, we lose again.  Quit running the wrong way again.”

The athlete stopped the video again and played it backwards again.

“That’s it!” the athlete’s teammate said, “That’s the direction you want to run in!  Run in that direction!”

The athlete stopped the video again and played the video forward again.

“You know,” the athlete’s teammate said, “Playing it again won’t changed what happened.  Every time you play it, you’re going to run the wrong way.  Playing it over and over and over isn’t going to change that.  Playing it over and over and over just means you’re going to run the wrong way over and over and over.  You can’t fix it by replaying it.”

The athlete stopped the video.

“I can’t fix it,” the athlete said.

“You ran the wrong way,” the athlete’s teammate said, “Don’t run the wrong way again.  That’s all you can do.”

The athlete stopped playing the video.

“Oh, come on,” the athlete’s teammate said, “Just one more time.  One more time backwards. One last time I want you to run the right way.”

The athlete smiled and played the video backwards.

The Parable of the Child Who Was Done Playing

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, what do you do on the days when the news is not newsworthy, the entertainment isn’t entertaining, and the sun sets too early?”

Josh spoke thus:

A child was sitting in a playground looking at the sky.  An adult asked the child why the child was looking at the sky.

“I’m done playing,” the child said, “Playing only leads to the end of play, and the end of play makes me too unhappy.”

The adult turned and walked home.  At home, the adult watched a comedy program on the television.  The adult didn’t laugh at the comedy program.  The adult’s partner asked the adult why the adult wasn’t laughing.

“I’m done with laughing,” the adult said, “Laughing only leads to the end of laughter, and the end of laughter makes me too unhappy.”

The adult’s partner sat to write a text message to the adult’s partner’s parent.  The adult’s partner wrote, “I’m done with words.  Words only lead to the end of words, and the end of words makes me too unhappy.”

The parent read the text message and walked out of the tavern where the parent had been sitting with an aging dinner partner.

“I’m done with friendship,” the parent said to the parent’s aging dinner partner, “Friendship only leads to the end of friendship, and the end of friendship makes me too unhappy.”

The parent’s aging dinner partner looked around the tavern, looked at the seat where the parent had been sitting and ordered a strong drink.

“I’m done with loving,” the aging dinner partner said to the waiter, “Loving only leads to the end of loving, and the end of loving makes me too unhappy.”

The waiter looked at the aging dinner partner, walked behind the bar and looked out the window at the bright red sunset.

“I’m done with beauty,” the waiter said to the attractive bartender, “Beauty only leads to the end of beauty, and the end of beauty makes me too unhappy.”

The attractive bartender left the tavern and walked homeward through the local cemetery.

“I’m done with living,” the attractive bartender said to a passing musician, “Living only leads to the end of living, and the end of living makes me too unhappy.”

The musician watched the bartender walk away, took out a flute and sat on a swing in the playground.

“I’m done with music,” the musician said to a child looking at the sky.  

The child smiled at the musician and hummed a tune the musician recognized.  The musician played the tune on the flute. The child sat on the swing next to the musician and began to tend to a twig as if it were a person.

The Parable of the Bully Child

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, what deterrent is there when punishment is not a deterrent?”

Josh spoke thus:

A bully child pushed a smaller child into a mud puddle. A teacher approached the bully child.

“Pushing smaller children into puddles is not to be tolerated at this school,” the teacher said, “Hold out your hand.”

The bully child held out a hand.  The teacher took a cane and rapped the child’s knuckles three times.

“That’s nothing,” the bully child said.

The next day, the bully child hit a smaller on the shoulder repeatedly, holding the smaller child so that the smaller child could not run away.  A teacher approached the bully child.

“Holding smaller children and hitting them will not be tolerated at this school,” the teacher said.  The teacher took a cane, and holding the bully child so that the bully child could not get away, the teacher spanked the bully child with the cane.

“That’s nothing,” the bully child said.

The next day, the bully child locked a smaller child in a cupboard.  A teacher approached the bully child.

“Locking smaller children in a cupboard will not be tolerated at this school,” the teacher said, “It’s detention for you.”  The teacher took the bully child to a classroom and locked the bully child in the classroom.

“That’s nothing,” the bully child said.

The next day, the bully child tied a smaller child to a tree and threw apples at the smaller child.  A teacher approached the bully child.

“Tying smaller children to a tree and throwing apples will not be tolerated at this school,” the teacher said.  The teacher took the bully child and put the bully child in the stocks.  Passers by saw the bully child in the stocks and threw rotten food at the bully child.  The children whom the bully child had bullied saw the bully child in the stocks, and they too threw rotten food at the bully child.

“That’s nothing,” the bully child said.

The next day, the bully child took a smaller child’s lunch from the smaller child.  A teacher approached the bully child.

“Taking a smaller child’s lunch will not be tolerated at this school,” the teacher said.  The teacher took the bully child to a punishment cell and only gave the bully child water for three days.

“That’s nothing,” the bully child said.

The teachers all gathered around the bully child’s cell when the bully child was released.

“You are a wicked bully child,” one of the teachers said to the bully child, “And we have punished you for your wickedness.  And every time we’ve punished you, you’ve said that it was nothing.  How has all this punishment for your wickedness been nothing?”

“Look what happened to the good people,” the bully child said, “John the Baptist was beheaded.  Ghandi was shot.  Martin Luther King was shot.  Jesus and Saint Peter were crucified.  That’s what you do to the good people?  Punishment, that’s nothing.”

The Parable of the Great Teacher

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, 150 years later, we still revere a two-minute speech that almost nobody heard spoken.  What does that tell us about our history?”

Josh spoke thus:

A student approached a great teacher.

“What is the secret to happiness?” the student asked the great teacher.

“Fiber,” the great teacher said.

“Fiber?  That’s it?” the student asked.

The great teacher shrugged and said, “Fiber and good whiskey.” 

“Fiber and good whiskey?” the student asked, “That’s it?”

The great teacher shrugged and said, “Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife.”

“Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife?” the student asked, “Is that it?”

The great teacher shrugged and said, “Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife and a warm fire.”

“Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife and a warm fire?” the student asked, “Is that it?”

The great teacher shrugged and said, “Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife and a warm fire and a roof over your head.”

“Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife and a warm fire and a roof over my head?” the student asked, “Is that it?”

The great teacher shrugged and said, “Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife and a warm fire and a roof over your head and a good shade tree to sit under in the summer.”

“Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife and a warm fire and a roof over my head and a good shade tree to sit under in the summer?” the student asked, “Is that it?”

The great teacher shrugged and said, “Fiber and good whiskey and a loving wife and a warm fire and a roof over your head and a good shade tree to sit under in the summer and a string of Christmas lights that doesn’t have a missing bulb.”

“Wait,” the student said, “I get the fiber.  Fiber keeps you healthy.  I understand the good whiskey.  Whiskey soothes the nerves.  A loving wife I understand.  A loving wife gives companionship and support.  I understand the warm fire.  A warm fire keeps the cold away.  I understand a roof over my head.  Everyone needs shelter.  I understand the good shade tree to sit under in the summer.  Beneath a good shade tree is a place to sit and reflect on a long summer evening, is a good place to rest from labor out in the sun.  But the Christmas lights.  I don’t understand the Christmas lights.  The Christmas lights are so trivial.  How does a string of Christmas lights that doesn’t have a missing bulb fit in with all those other things?  Are the lights a symbol for all the acts that make up our lives?  Are they goals, each of which must be attained in the proper order?  Do they represent enlightenment?”

“Last Christmas,” the great teacher said, “Four hours I spent troubleshooting one stupid bulb.  Four hours!”

The Parable of the Stationmaster and the Trains

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, on the anniversary of the adoption of time zones, what do you think is their greatest contribution to the world?”

Josh spoke thus:

A traveler was waiting for a train.

“What time does the train arrive?” the passenger asked the stationmaster.

“That depends on whose time you’re talking about,” the stationmaster said.

“Local time,” the passenger said.

“Our local time or their local time?” the stationmaster asked.

“Their local time, I guess,” the passenger said.

“You won’t know what time it is when you get there,” the stationmaster said.

“Don’t they have clocks there?” the passenger asked.

“They got locks of clocks there,” the stationmaster said, “But their clocks are all wrong.”

“How can all their clocks be wrong?” the passenger asked.

“They’re all on local time,” the stationmaster said, “Their local time.  And everybody knows their local time is the wrong time.”

“Why is their local time wrong?” the passenger asked.

“Because our local time is the right time, all the time,” the stationmaster said, “The train schedule says so.”

“How do you mean?” the passenger asked.

“The train schedule is written according to our time,” the stationmaster said, “If a train leaves here at six o’clock and arrives there after a two-hour trip, it arrives there at eight o’clock.  So it’s eight o’clock there when the train gets there.”

“That makes sense,” the passenger said.

“But when it gets there,” the stationmaster said, “According to local time, it’s ten after eight.”

“So why don’t they set their local time?” the passenger asked.

“Out of spite,” the stationmaster said, “Just being mean.  That, and the business advantage it gives them.”

“What business advantage?” the passenger asked.

“In business, it’s a big advantage to get things done first,” the stationmaster said.

“That’s true,” the passenger said, “But what’s their big advantage?”

“Everything they do, they do ten minutes earlier,” the stationmaster said, “Everything we do, we’re ten minutes late.”

“So why don’t you reset your time ten minutes faster?” the passenger asked.

“Because then the trains would always be ten minutes late,” the stationmaster said, “And everybody knows the trains have to be on time.”

The Parable of the Child and the Child’s Room

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, is Iran serious about containing its nuclear program, or is it just buying time from the U.N. negotiators?”

Josh spoke thus:

A child wanted to go out and play.

“You can’t go out and play,” the child’s parent said, “I asked you to clean your room, and you didn’t clean your room.”

“I’ll clean my room when I get back,” the child said, “I promise.”

“You promised me you’d clean your room already,” the child’s parent said, “And you didn’t clean your room.”

“I was going to clean my room,” the child said, “But you came in before I could start.”

“I asked you two days ago to clean your room,” the child’s parent said.

“And I was just about to clean it,” the child said.

“Why didn’t you clean it two days ago, when you said you were going to clean it?” the child’s parent asked.

“Because if I cleaned it two days ago, it would be messy again now,” the child said.

“I didn’t ask for it to be clean now,” the parent said, “I asked for it to be clean two days ago.”

“Don’t you want it clean now?” the child asked.

“I do want it clean now,” the child’s parent said, “But I also wanted it clean two days ago.”

“If you let me go out now,” the child said, “I’ll clean it when I get back.  Then it will be clean.”

“The issue isn’t whether the room is clean,” the parent said, “The issue is whether you said you would clean it but didn’t clean it.”

“I’m saying now that I’m going to clean it,” the child said, “As soon as I get back.”

“Why don’t you clean it now?” the parent said.

“I will clean it,” the child said, “As soon as I get back.”

“As soon as you get back is not now,” the parent said.

“As soon as I get back is as soon as I can clean it if you let me go outside,” the child said.

“You can’t go outside,” the child’s parent said, “You didn’t clean your room.”

“It’s not fair!” the child said, “You didn’t tell me yesterday I couldn’t go out today if I didn’t clean my room.”

“I told you two days ago that you couldn’t go out if you didn’t clean your room,” the child’s parent said.

“But not yesterday,” the child said, “If you told me yesterday I had to clean my room, I would have cleaned it yesterday.”

“I’m telling you today,” the child’s parent said.

“But I have to go out today!” the child said.

“The only reason you want to go out today is so you don’t have to clean your room,” the child’s parent said.

“I said I would clean my room as soon as I get back,” the child said, “I promise.”

“Oh, well since you promise,” the child’s parent said.

“So I can go out?” the child asked.

“If you’ll clean your room as soon as you get back,” the child’s parent said.

The child went to the child’s room and started cleaning.

“I thought you were going outside,” the child’s parent said.

“It’s raining,” the child said.