The Parable of Adam and the Naming of Things

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, what do you think they should name the new heir to the British throne?”

Josh spoke thus:

A child was born unnamed.  This was a problem for the government.

“You must give the child a name,” a government official told the child’s parent.

“We don’t have a name yet,” the parent said, “We want to wait to name the child.”

“If you don’t give the child a name,” the government official said, “I can’t give you a birth certificate.  Without a birth certificate, there is no record of the child.  Without a record of the child, the child doesn’t exist.”

“The child clearly exists,” the parent said, “Look at it.”

“I can look at it,” the government official said, “But it isn’t there.”

“Of course it’s there,” the parent said.

“Not without a name, it isn’t,” the government official said, “If it doesn’t have a name, it could be anything.”

“It can’t be a raven,” the parent said, “Or a jet liner.  Or a unicorn.”

“A unicorn has a name,” the government official said, “A unicorn is a thing.”

“A unicorn isn’t a thing,” the parent said, “A unicorn is a mythical creature.  There is no such thing as a unicorn.”

“A unicorn is a thing because it has a name,” the government official said, “Because unicorns don’t exist, they are negative things, but they are still things.”

“Just like government officials are things,” the parent said, “And stupid government officials are things.”

“Yes, government officials are things,” the government official said, “And stupid government officials are things.  Luckily for you, stupid government officials are negative things.  Like unicorns.”

“So if I named my child Stupid Government Official, my child would be a negative?” the parent asked.

“If you named your child, your child would be a positive,” the government official said.

“So then a stupid government official would be a positive,” the parent said.

“I think the child would have a hard time of it in school with a name like that,” the government official said, “If you consider that a positive.”

“What if I gave the child your name?” the parent asked.

The government official shrugged and asked, “Do you want your child to grow up like me?”

“Could I give the child a holder name?” the parent asked.

“What, like To Be Determined?” the government official asked, “That’s a bit long, isn’t it?”

“How about TBD?” the parent asked.

“How about No Name No Child Benefit?” the government official asked, “Or No Name No Income Tax Credit?  Or No Name No Health Care?”

“How about Adam?” the parent asked.