The Parable of the News Leak That Wasn’t

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, on the anniversary of the beginning of Oscar Wilde’s libel trial in which Oscar Wilde pretty much had to admit to the behavior he’d been accused of, what lessons can we learn from Wilde’s attempts to publicly hide his actions?”

Josh spoke thus:

A politician was talking to a reporter.

“I have good news, and I have bad news,” the politician said to the reporter.

“What’s the good news?” the reporter asked.

“The good news is that you’re going to love the bad news I’m going to give you,” the politician said.

“So what’s the bad news?” the reporter asked.

“The bad news is that you can’t tell anyone about the good news I’m going to tell you,” the politician said.

“The good news that’s bad news?” the reporter asked.

“Or the bad news that’s good news,” the politician said, “I get them confused.”

“So the news is that there’s news?” the reporter asked, “That sounds a bit like dog bites man.  Dog bites man isn’t news.  Man bites dog is news.”

“Oh man definitely bites dog on this one,” the politician said.

“So what kind of bite is it?” the reporter asked.

“I’m under investigation,” the politician said.

“What are you under investigation for?” the reporter asked.

“They suspect that I’ve been leaking information to the press,” the politician said.

“Of course you’ve been leaking information to the press,” the reporter said, “You’re leaking information to the press right now.  It’s not like the world doesn’t know politicians leak information to the press.”

“But I can’t leak this leak,” the politician said, “Because if I do, they’ll know I leaked it and they’ll know who I leaked it to.”

“You’re leaking to me the information that you can’t leak the information to me that you’re leaking the information to me?” the reporter asked.

“I can’t tell you that,” the politician said.

“What can you tell me?” the reporter asked.

“I can’t tell you anything,” the politician said, “I’m under investigation.”

“That means I’m under investigation,” the reporter said.

“Only if you print the information,” the politician said.

“But if I don’t print the information, then there’s no leak,” the reporter said.

“And no investigation,” the politician said.

“And no story,” the reporter said.

“And no news is good news,” the politician said.

“Good news is no news,” the reporter said.

“Man bites dog,” the politician said.

“And no one will ever know,” the reporter said.