The Parable of the Newspaper’s Final Edition

One day while teaching, Josh was asked, ”Teacher, if there are only seven plot ideas, how many news stories are there?”

Josh spoke thus:

A newspaper was printing its final edition.

“DEWEY WINS!” the newspaper’s headline read.  Beneath the lead story was the headline, “SECESSION!”  The story to the right of the secession story was an obituary for Amelia Earhart.

“You know,” one of the printer operators said to the sports director, “I never read that story about Dewey winning.  Everyone’s seen the headline, but I bet nobody knows what the article actually says.”

“Somebody knows,” the sports editor said, “Somebody always knows.  In some library, in some university archive, in some graduate research group, somebody’s reading that story, somebody’s analyzing that story, somebody’s writing about that story.”

“Tomorrow, a lot more people will read that story,” the printer operator said.

“Let’s hope so,” the sports editor said, “Look at the sports page,” 

The printer operator pulled a fresh copy of the final edition from a stack.

“Hey!” the printer operator said, “We won a hockey gold medal!  We beat the Russians!  No, wait, we beat the Finns.  The Finns?”

“A lot of people don’t know that we had to beat the Finns to win that medal in 1980,” the sports editor said, “Everybody thinks the Miracle on Ice won us the medal.  It didn’t.”

“Next you’re gonna tell me Washington didn’t cross the Delaware,” the printer operator said.

“Look at page three,” the sports editor said.  The printer operator looked at page three.

“There he is, crossing the Delaware!” the printer operator said, “But on page three?”

“It was Christmas,” the sports editor said, “News travels slowly on a holiday.”

“Gotcha,” the printer operator said, “So how many final editions does this make?”

“Check the masthead,” the sports editor said, “I think it’s our twenty-seventh.”

“How so many final editions?” the printer operator said.

“Newspapers are like rock bands from the Seventies,” the sports editor said, “Nobody wants to hear their new music.  It’s all greatest hits.  So we’re putting out our greatest hits.  The greatest hits of the news.  All oldies, all the time.  A constant final tour.”

“And no slow news days,” the printer operator said.

“And no slow news days,” the sports editor said.